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Relationships: Can you relate?

View ProfileWhy do relationships so many times end up on the path of dramas with significant traumas to the well being of those involved in the coupling? Usually the answer is... 'Communication, that's the issue here, he or she just doesn't communicate with me!' Well don't we all speak the same language? Aren't we all great communicators? Don't we all say what we mean? Not!

Speaking the same language usually does not mean that each person in the relationship is on the same page, let alone in the same book, or even in the same building. Everyone brings to the table his or hers language, ideas, perceptions and even more challenging, his or hers version of the relationship. More times than not, the happily ever after is confused by the script, language and the misperceptions about how the relationship is supposed to be. The fairy tale can turn into a nightmare if the relationship doesn't go according to the script ingrained in the 'happily ever after scenario'. This script never took into consideration what happens when two people come together with their own scripts in hand, embedded at their cellular level, what confusion manifests when the other person doesn't fit into the picture perfect photo of how the relationship is supposed to be according to the happily ever after. Isn't the time to ask… 'After what?'

After the hormones wear off, sometimes the hormonal cloud that covered the eyes, begins to clear. Pre-cloud.. 'that other person is perfect, fits the fairy tale script'. Post-cloud.. 'who is that person?' A new view begins to emerge. Good grief, what happened, I just can't relate anymore. What happens is everyday life…jobs to do, kids to raise, family dynamics, holidays, things to do! What happens is that the relationship takes on a whole new script. The happily ever after, the fairy tale does not have to turn into a nightmare. Nor do relationships have to turn into work.

How about remembering, without the hormonal clouds, why the relationship happened in the first place. Yes, for sure, hormones played a part in it. That was the attraction. Go deeper. Remember what you liked about the person. Here's the suggestion, write down all the attributes that attracted you in the first place, not just the hormones. Remember how you talked with each other and not at each other. Remember how did, in fact, did you relate? Stick to the facts when you ask your Self these questions. Be truthful.

There are many reasons why you came together as two individuals who relate to each other. You are not two 'ships' passing in the night. You are together day and night, weekends and so on! You are two individual ships of experiences, who merged lives to support each other, love each other and to grow with each other. Your paths crossed, you connected for the experiences. You did connect because of the scripts you both wrote to come together as you did. The key is all the whys that brought you together through your bands of consciousness.

With the divorce rate at 60%, it does, indeed, look like the fairy tale has turned into nightmares, affecting the couple, the kids and the families. Does it have to be this way? Only you can determine it. A good place to start is, again, what do you like about the other person? What do you not like? What is based on facts? And what is based on the perception of the fairy tale, the emotional attachments to the past.

Fairy tales belong in books, not reality. And they should stay there. Relationships belong to you, relating first to your Self. See where both of you are coming from…from the past? Listen and hear your Self, so you can hear and listen to the other person in the relationship. How do you know what you're saying is really what you are meaning? If you don't say what you mean, how can the other person know what you mean? How can anyone know where they stand in the relationship, if no one can stand each other! Communication begins in the heart not the computer brain head. Stop before you speak!

Manipulation is a head game. Relationships are not games. Otherwise the push-me-pull-ums arise. I am here, I am not here. There is no trust or continuity in the back and forth, push-me pull-ums. I'm in, no I'm out! Relationships are unions, unifications, mergers, alliances, joining together according to the dictionary. Together you can create your own reality of the meaning of your relationship. It doesn't have to be static, a version of reality set by others. You determine the description and it can be ever evolving, called growth. Get out of the dictionary of the past. Create your own meaning!

If the relationship is not serving both individuals, then re-evaluate, non-emotionally. Is the contract complete the way it is? It is time to make productive changes? Or is the contract complete and it is time to move on. There are many choices and options. Completing, changing or re-evaluating the contract does not have to be destructive. Don't make emotionally charged decisions. Then no one benefits. Get the facts and make clear choices. Otherwise the fairy tale does become the nightmare. And sometimes it can go on for years even when you are not together! YECH!

There are multiple reasons, the relationship happened. Sure, lessons play a part in it. But you both can write your own lessons of what you desire to learn from each other, if you are willing to learn about your Self first. You must communicate with your Self first. Look at your own ideas. Are they real or still based upon the fairy tale that is not real? Both parties bring to the couples table, the food of consciousness from the past. It is the way it is. But the way you desire it to be is up to the two of you. Create your own menu. Create your own version of the union. Begin by listening with your heart. This is the best place to start. After all it is where the real connection started in the first place. Remember this!
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© Sherry Anshara. Article used with permission.
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